Month: April 2021
Tear me down and build me back up, but this time build me strong.
I only want to tear each letter out with my fingernails and rip all the words away.
My frowning is getting worse, I can tell because the lines on my face are looking more prominent.
Its never going to warm up in here, not today, not for a few days, my fingertips and bones will have to suffer.
Screaming seems like a solution.
I CAN’T WRITE ANY MORE NOTES
If I do ever return to them and read what I have written, they won’t even make any sense.
So really my notes are pointless.
The act of note taking is really me pretending to myself that I’m being productive, that I am getting organised, but the more the notes pile up, the less I can face them.
No Roller Skating Allowed
I was confused as I peeled my face off the floor, I didn’t know if the blood was dripping from my nose or my mouth. I watched the blood droplets hit the floor in quick motion and survival mode started to kick in, I found tissues to hold to my face whilst simultaneously wiping the evidence from the floor.
I ring Mat, but no answer; I ring again, still no answer. Even if Mat gets to the studio, there’s no way I’m getting down 3 flights of stairs in roller skates to unlock the door. My head is pounding and I’m not quite sure what’s happening, but my fingers manage to fumble with the double-knotted triple wrapped around laces. I’ve done it, my feet are free from the wheels, I stumble to the toilet to check my face in the mirror. I forget there is no mirror in here.
My phone hasn’t rang. Mat isn’t coming. I need to make it home. I pull my coat and my shoes on. Switch off the heaters and turn the light off. I’m at the front door and I’m staring at the alarm system I use everyday but now I can’t fathom how it works. Fuck it, I leave and lock the door behind me.
‘Mattttt’ I shout. I‘ve made it home. The next 15 minutes still remain a blur as I come around sitting on the closed lid of the toilet seat, holding a fresh tissue to my face and tears rolling down my cheeks.
‘I’m really confused, I don’t know what’s happening’
‘Have you been roller skating in your studio?’
‘I think so’
‘You said this morning, you were going to roller skate in your studio’
‘Yes… ‘
‘Right that’s it, your not allowed to roller skate in your studio anymore, the studio is for working not roller skating’
‘But I was having a really good time, I was practicing the Mohawk turn.’
2021 Spring